No, you can stay with us forever

Every business, whether it is a service or a product is the same. Get clients, keep clients and make money. That’s why some businesses have a department called retention, whose sole purpose of existence is to keep customers. Everyone’s approach is different but this one, oh this one is special. Their method is the Make your life a living hell so that you end up staying due to how much dread it is to leave them.

Today I decided to cancel my subscription to a service I’ve been using for a year because I have not been actively using it.

Person #1: I speak with this person and tell him I want to cancel. He goes “OHHHH NOO!!!! I Should just hang up this call right now” jokingly, but possibly a little serious. he asks me why then says, “that’s no problem, I actually cannot handle that issue, I’ll have to get you over to customer service.”

2 minute hold

Person #2: I speak with this person and tell her I want to cancel and she goes “I’m so sorry to hear that, may I ask why?” I tell her why and she tries to sell me on why I should stay. When I say no, she says that she needs to get me over to cancellation.

2 minute hold

Person #3: I speak with this person and tell him I want to cancel and he says “No problem let me look in the system. While I’m looking things up, could I ask why?” I tell him again. Also, I want to mention that it’s safe to say that he already knows why. I would also fare to say he already has my record on his window and he’s just stalling for time. He wastes some more time probing for answer and says that I’ve been “such a loyal customer” that I qualify for 2 free months. Would I like to stay around for 2 months and see if I like it better? It’s free. I tell him no, just cancel it. He tells me, Ok, I’ll transfer you over to cancellation.I think to myself, I thought you were supposed to be cancellation.

5 minute hold

Person #4: I speak with this person and tell him I want to cancel and he puts me on hold so that he can look through the system. This hold is about a minute. Which doesn’t sound long. But when waiting on the phone and even though you’re entertained by Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing, it can feel like a decade. Finally he comes back and runs through why I’m cancelling, AGAIN and then finally says we’re set and that there will no longer be any charges.

Total Time to cancel: 28 minutes 12 seconds

If you think about it, the companies that have this department are likely the ones that have trouble keeping customers. I have cancelled hundreds of subscriptions in my life and the most successful ones, do not give me any hassle at all. “Oh you’re out? No problem, I got you. Thank you for using our service and if you ever need anything in the future, do not hesitate to call”

As DJ Khaled would say. They don’t want you to cancel. They don’t want you to be successful. Don’t be they. Major Key

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